The "Before" Shot

"The 'self-image' is the key to human personality and human behavior.  Change the self-image and you change the personality and the behavior.  But more than this.  The 'self-image' sets the boundaries of individual accomplishment.  It defines what you can and cannot do.  Expand the 'self-image' and you expand the 'area of the possible'." - Maxwell Maltz M.D.,F.I.C.S. (Psycho-Cybernetics, pg. ix)

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This is me.  Not long after I met AJ, and not long before we were engaged.  I want to tell you a little bit more about the way I was then.  A little more about my personality's "auto pilot" and give you an idea of what it once looked like.

I remember working hard to earn money so I could buy gum, and my Mom would stand with me in the check out line, and tell me to go first and purchase my gum myself.  Just before it was my turn, I would suddenly need to use the restroom desperately!, then I would hide there till my mom purchased my item in my place.  And then I would re-appear suddenly.

I also remember having my sister, just younger than me, deposit money into my checking account so I wouldn't have to talk to the lady at the bank.  (When I was 17 or 18 years old!) 

I remember never sharing my opinion or thoughts, on anything, because somebody else's opinion might not match mine and start a confrontation- or a conversation.  And I didn't want to talk to anybody. 

I remember the first 5 years of our marriage, AJ just assumed we loved all the same things and thought the same way because I never disagreed or said no to any of his suggestions. 

I remember having all these thoughts and emotions in my head-- both positive and negative-- that I didn't feel like I knew how to effectively voice to my husband-- or to anyone really-- no matter how crucial or menial the thought, so it went unsaid. 

I remember how long it took me to get to know people, and how much they meant to me, and how many relationships I ruined because of my fear of confronting people with even simple things.  Instead of talking with those I loved, I just ignored them and the issue, small or large, and just acted as if they didn't exist.

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That was me.  That was what I used to be like, and I so desperately wanted to be free of my fear!  I felt in my heart that I had a big calling in this life to teach, direct and bless lives.  I felt that there were responsible assignments out there that I could fill.  I felt that I could be a better wife and mother.

Maxwell Maltz says, “There must be some grounds, some justification, some reason for deciding that the old picture of self is in error, and that a new picture is appropriate.  You cannot merely imagine a new self-image; unless you feel that it is based upon truth.”

I truly felt, and believed, those things were possible for me, and I could tell that the changes required so I could be that person, weren't going to just happen TO me.  I realized I needed to get out there and gain knowledge-- bruise my knees-- and make myself into a different person.  I needed to take ACTION.